Gaslighting: the manipulation technique of narcissists

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation doubting your memory, your feelings, or your sanity, you’re not “too sensitive,” and you’re definitely not alone. You may be dealing with gaslighting—a pattern of psychological manipulation that chips away at your reality until you start trusting the other person’s version of events more than your own. I’ve coached clients, mentored teams, and sat with friends through this exact confusion. The good news: once you can name what’s happening, you’re already on your way back to solid ground.

What Gaslighting Actually Is (and What It Isn’t)

Gaslighting is a sustained pattern of manipulation designed to make you question your perception, memory, or judgment. The goal—sometimes conscious, sometimes not—is control. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband secretly dims the gas lamps and insists nothing has changed, pushing his wife to doubt her sanity.

Here’s what distinguishes gaslighting from healthy disagreement:

• Disagreements are about ideas or events; gaslighting attacks your ability to perceive reality itself.

• Disagreements can get heated, but both parties can own mistakes; gaslighting dodges accountability and reverses blame.

• In a disagreement, you may feel frustrated; under gaslighting, you feel confused, small, and dependent.

Gaslighting shows up in romantic relationships, families, friendships, workplaces, and even medical settings. It’s a form of emotional abuse, and while narcissists are known to use it, not all gaslighters are narcissists and not all narcissists gaslight all the time. The behavior lives on a spectrum.

Is it always intentional?

Not always. Some people learned this pattern growing up—maybe it kept the peace in a chaotic home or won approval from a volatile parent—and now it runs on autopilot. Others deploy it strategically to avoid accountability or control a narrative. Intent matters for healing, but the effect on you is the same: erosion of self-trust.

The Psychology Behind Gaslighting: Why It Works

None of us are perfectly objective. We all have cognitive biases and a nervous system wired to prioritize belonging and safety. Gaslighting exploits this wiring.

• Cognitive dissonance: When someone you care about behaves in ways that contradict who you believe they are, your brain tries to resolve the mismatch. “They love me, so maybe I misremembered” often feels safer than “they’re manipulating me.”

• Intermittent reinforcement: When kindness is mixed with criticism or cruelty, your brain gets hooked on chasing the next “good moment.” Unpredictable rewards are powerful (think slot machines) and create strong behavioral loops.

• Authority and credibility: We’re influenced by confidence. A gaslighter’s unshakable certainty—“That never happened”—can override your shaky memory of a chaotic moment.

• Isolation and dependency: As self-trust erodes, you lean more on the gaslighter to navigate conflict and decisions. That’s exactly the trap.

Clinically, gaslighting overlaps with behaviors seen in Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Lifetime prevalence estimates for NPD range from roughly 1% to 6% depending on the study and criteria used. Most people who gaslight will never receive that diagnosis, but understanding the traits—lack of empathy, grandiosity, hypersensitivity to criticism—can make patterns easier to spot.

Early Red Flags Most People Miss

Gaslighting rarely starts with a glaring lie. It arrives in small, dismissive moments that are easy to rationalize.

• “You’re remembering it wrong.” Said with a smile the first time you bring up a concern.

• “Relax, it was just a joke.” After a put-down that lands like a dart.

• You leave interactions strangely guilty, even when you didn’t do anything wrong.

• You apologize more to restore peace than to repair something you did.

• Your achievements get reframed as lucky breaks or accidents.

• Feedback about their behavior gets turned into a critique of your tone, timing, or delivery.

I tell clients: watch the pattern, not the excuse. One-off misunderstandings happen. Gaslighting is persistent.

Recognizing the Symptoms in Yourself

If you’re wondering, “Is this gaslighting or am I overreacting?” run through this checklist. None of these alone proves gaslighting, but a cluster of them is a strong signal.

• You’ve stopped bringing up certain topics because it always gets flipped back on you.

• You keep a mental (or literal) log of events because you’re afraid your memory will be challenged.

• Friends notice you seem more anxious, quieter, or indecisive lately.

• You ask permission for basic choices you used to make confidently.

• You hear yourself saying “I’m sorry” multiple times a day for tiny things.

• Your body is on edge: tight chest, shallow breath, constant scanning for the “right” mood to bring something up.

• You no longer trust your first instinct. You look to the other person to define what’s real.

Common internal thoughts:

• “Maybe I’m the problem.”

• “If I were calmer/more grateful/less needy, this would go fine.”

• “I should be able to handle this.”

Healthy relationships can be challenging, but they don’t make you feel consistently unsteady or unworthy.

The Gaslighter’s Playbook: Tactics to Learn by Heart

You’ll see different combinations of these, depending on the person and context.

• Denial and rewriting: “I never said that.” “You made that up.” Even when there are texts or witnesses.

• Trivializing: “Why are you making such a big deal?” “You’re too sensitive.”

• Countering: Questioning your memory: “You know your memory isn’t great.”

• Withholding: Refusing to engage. Silent treatment or “I don’t feel like doing this right now” when accountability is needed.

• Projection: Accusing you of what they’re doing. They lie, then call you dishonest.

• DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. You raise an issue; suddenly you’re the bully.

• Confusion: Rapid topic changes, contradictions, or long monologues that blur the issue.

• Love bombing and “future faking”: Over-the-top affection and grand promises right when you pull away or ask for change.

• Triangulation: Bringing in a third party—“Everyone thinks you’re overreacting”—to pressure you.

• Micro-gaslighting: Tiny dismissals over time that you feel silly calling out, yet they add up.

• Humorous contempt: “Just joking!” backed by a demeaning smirk.

• Document erasing: Deleting messages, “misplacing” evidence, or insisting on verbal-only communication.

• Hoovering: Attempts to pull you back in after you create distance. Gifts, nostalgia, emergencies—anything to re-open the door.

Memorize these patterns. When you can name a tactic, you stop internalizing it.

What Gaslighting Looks Like in Real Life

Dating and relationships

• You share hurt feelings about a public put-down. They respond: “You’re so dramatic. Everyone laughed.” You second-guess your sting.

• They cancel plans repeatedly, then position your disappointment as “clingy” behavior. Soon you stop asking for time.

• After a blow-up, they flood you with affection and grand plans. You feel relief—until the cycle repeats.

Family dynamics

• A parent says, “We never yelled in this house,” as your body remembers slamming doors. A sibling echoes, “You’re too sensitive.”

• Bringing up childhood neglect gets turned into, “We sacrificed everything for you. How dare you?”

Workplaces

• Your manager changes goals mid-project and criticizes you for missing the “original plan.” When you show emails, they pivot to tone-policing: “You’re being defensive.”

• Colleagues become “confused” every time credit should go to you. You start over-explaining or over-documenting to protect yourself.

For reference, the U.S. Workplace Bullying Institute’s surveys estimate around 30% of workers have experienced bullying directly, and gaslighting behaviors often sit inside those patterns—goalposts shifting, credit stealing, and reality-bending meetings included.

Medical and institutional settings

• You report pain and get told, “It’s probably anxiety.” Weeks later, you’re diagnosed with something that explains the pain. You weren’t believed the first time.

• Research consistently shows women and people of color face higher rates of symptom dismissal and misdiagnosis. That’s systemic gaslighting—your lived experience devalued by default.

Online and social circles

• A friend group “jokes” about your boundaries. When you voice discomfort, the group labels you difficult. Social pressure makes you doubt yourself.

Why Smart, Strong People Get Caught in It

I’ve seen CEOs, therapists, teachers, and activists get tangled in gaslighting. Intelligence doesn’t inoculate you against manipulation—if anything, the more empathetic and self-reflective you are, the easier it is to take on blame that isn’t yours. Add a few risk factors—trauma history, fear of abandonment, or just plain relationship inexperience—and the trap sets quickly.

Traits gaslighters often target:

• Empathy and conflict-avoidance

• High responsibility and conscientiousness

• Desire to “work on yourself”

• Dependence on external validation

• History of people-pleasing

None of those traits are flaws. You don’t need to become cynical or cold to be safe. You need stronger boundaries and better tools.

The First Line of Defense: Reality Anchors

Before you do anything else, start rebuilding your connection to reality. This is less about proving the gaslighter wrong and more about giving yourself something solid to stand on.

• Write it down, the day it happens. Note who, what, when, and how you felt. Keep it simple: “Aug 14, 8:10 pm: He said I never told him about the appointment; I texted him on Aug 10 at 2:14 pm; I felt dismissed.”

• Screenshot and save. If you’re in a risky situation, back up important communications to a secure cloud account or a trusted person. Avoid shared devices.

• Use a “decision log.” Note tough decisions you make and your reasons in the moment. When someone attacks your judgment later, you can revisit your rationale.

• Share one specific example with a trusted friend and ask, “How would you see this?” Outsiders can spot patterns you’re too close to see.

These aren’t for debating the gaslighter. They’re for you.

How to Respond in the Moment: Scripts That Work

Imagine these like tools on a keychain—you don’t need all of them every time. Pick one and keep it simple.

• The broken record: Calmly repeat your point without getting lured into side arguments.

• “I remember it differently.”

• “That’s not how I experienced it.”

• “I’m not discussing tone right now. The issue is X.”

• The time-out: Step away when the conversation spins.

• “I’m not clear-headed enough to continue. Let’s revisit tomorrow.”

• “I won’t discuss this while I’m being interrupted. I’ll try again later.”

• The boundary: Define what you will and won’t engage with.

• “If you continue to dismiss my feelings, I’m ending this conversation.”

• “I respond to feedback given respectfully. I don’t respond to insults.”

• The factual anchor: Name the concrete evidence without over-explaining.

• “I emailed the update at 3:12 pm. If you didn’t see it, I can resend.”

• BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) for co-parenting or colleagues:

• “The report was submitted Friday at 4 pm. Next update will be Tuesday by noon. If you have specific edits, send them by 10 am. Thanks.”

• Gray rock: Become uninteresting and neutral to starve drama.

• Short, neutral responses. No emotional hooks. “Noted.” “Okay.” “I disagree.”

• The mirror: Call out DARVO gently.

• “When I bring up X, the focus shifts to my delivery, and the original issue gets lost. I’m not okay with that.”

Notice what’s missing: defending your character, litigating every detail, and trying to convince them to see your side. That’s where people burn energy and lose ground.

Setting and Keeping Boundaries (That Actually Hold)

Boundaries aren’t ultimatums you threaten and never enforce. They’re choices you control: what you do when the line gets crossed.

• Identify your “non-negotiables.” Examples: no yelling, no name-calling, no access to your private devices, no arguing after midnight, no discussing personal matters at work.

• Start small but firm. “If you raise your voice, I’m ending the call.” Then end the call the first time it happens. No speeches.

• Use “when–then” phrasing. “When I’m interrupted repeatedly, then I’ll pause the conversation and revisit later.”

• Separate requests from consequences. It’s not “or else.” It’s “and then I will.”

• Expect pushback. People who benefit from no boundaries won’t clap when you set them. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

If this is a workplace issue, loop in documentation and policies. HR can be hit-or-miss, but bringing specifics—dates, quotes, impact on deliverables—gives you leverage. In team settings, follow up crucial conversations with a summary email: “To recap, we agreed on X by Friday.”

When the Relationship Is Ongoing: Managing Contact

Not everyone can go no contact immediately, or at all. Co-parenting, family, and jobs complicate things. Design your level of contact with intention:

• No contact: Block numbers and social accounts, return mail unopened, inform mutuals you’re stepping back, and avoid “just one coffee.” Unfollow quietly if needed.

• Low contact: Limit topics to logistics, set time windows for responses, and keep messages short and factual. Use co-parenting apps if appropriate.

• Structured contact: Only meet in public or group settings. Bring a third party to sensitive conversations. Keep an agenda and a time limit.

Be prepared for hoovering. Old photos, apologies, crises, promises—expect them. Prewrite a few responses and stick to them:

• “I’m not available for this conversation.”

• “I wish you well. I’m focusing on my healing.”

• No response at all—silence is often the most powerful boundary.

Making a Safe Exit: Step-by-Step

If you’re in a romantic or living situation where gaslighting co-exists with other forms of control—financial, digital, physical—safety planning matters.

1) Quietly assess risk

• Track escalation patterns. Do conflicts spike when you assert needs? Are there threats, monitoring, or property destruction?

• Consult a domestic violence hotline anonymously for tailored safety strategies. You don’t need bruises to qualify for help.

2) Build a support net

• Confide in one or two reliable people. Ask for specific help: a place to stay, holding documents, being your emergency call.

• Line up professional support: therapist, lawyer, financial advisor, or HR partner, depending on the context.

3) Secure finances and documents

• Open a separate bank account or a prepaid debit card.

• Gather IDs, passports, insurance cards, titles, and copies of important records. Keep them outside the home if possible.

• If you share accounts, learn how to freeze credit or set alerts.

4) Lock down technology

• Change passwords from a safe device. Enable two-factor authentication.

• Audit your devices for tracking apps or unknown logins. Consider a factory reset or new phone if you suspect spyware.

• Adjust privacy settings on social media. Disable location sharing.

5) Plan the logistics

• Choose a low-conflict window to leave, ideally when they aren’t home. Arrange movers or friends.

• Leave a brief note if needed; do not engage in a long goodbye.

• Inform neighbors or building staff of your move-out if safety is a concern.

6) After you leave

• Expect a “campaign.” Smear attempts, love-bombing, or mutual-friend pressure are common. Keep your side quiet and consistent.

• Document any harassment. Consider protective orders if behavior crosses legal lines.

If this is a workplace situation, your exit plan might mean documenting, looping in allies, transferring departments, or planned job changes. Short-term strategies can buy you time.

Rebuilding Self-Trust: The Long Game

Gaslighting leaves a specific wound: you stop believing yourself. Healing is about restoring that inner compass.

• Start with your body. Anxiety lives in sensations. Use breathwork, grounding, or short walks to help your nervous system settle. I like a simple box breath: inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4—repeat for two minutes.

• Keep a “reality journal.” Write daily: something you felt, something you observed, something you decided. Over time, you’ll see patterns and proof of your judgment.

• Practice micro-decisions. Pick lunch quickly. Choose a show without polling anyone. Celebrate: “I decided. That counts.”

• Reclaim language. Replace “Am I crazy?” with “I’m feeling uncertainty.” Replace “I’m overreacting” with “Something in me needs attention.”

• Clarify your values. What matters more: kindness or pleasing? Honesty or harmony? Use values to guide hard choices when facts are muddy.

• Build a tiny council. Two or three people who reflect you back to yourself. Share the story, not just the crisis. If all your support is online, add at least one in-person connection.

Therapies that often help:

• CBT for reframing distorted beliefs you absorbed.

• DBT for emotional regulation and boundary skills.

• EMDR or other trauma-focused modalities for deeper wounds.

• Schema therapy for longstanding patterns from childhood.

Think of it like physical therapy after an injury. You’re strengthening muscles that atrophied under chronic second-guessing.

Common Mistakes I See (And What To Do Instead)

• Trying to win the argument. You won’t. Choose disengagement over the perfect comeback. Save your energy for action.

• Over-explaining. Three sentences max. Anything beyond that becomes material for twisting.

• Isolating to “figure it out.” Gaslighting thrives in silence. Talk to someone trustworthy.

• Waiting for certainty. You may never have 100% proof. Choose based on your values and your pattern notes.

• Accepting crumbs after abuse. The relief after love-bombing feels like progress; it’s part of the cycle.

• Checking their intentions. Whether they mean to or not isn’t the key question. The impact on you is.

Gaslighting vs. Healthy Conflict: Spot the Difference

Healthy conflict has:

• Accountability: “You’re right, I messed up.”

• Curiosity: “Help me understand your perspective.”

• Repair: “How can we fix this and avoid it next time?”

• Consistency: Words and behavior align over time.

Gaslighting has:

• Deflection: “This is your fault.”

• Minimizing: “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

• Escalation: One issue becomes a character assassination.

• Inconsistency: Apologies without change, promises without follow-through.

If you’re trying to decide which one you’re in, track behavior over weeks, not days. Patterns tell the truth.

The Subtle Variants People Overlook

• Performative vulnerability: Tearful apologies that never turn into changed behavior. Emotion as theater, not repair.

• Intellectual gaslighting: Overwhelming you with facts, jargon, or “logic” to make your experience seem irrational.

• Cultural or spiritual gaslighting: Using beliefs or community norms to silence you. “Good spouses don’t complain.” “A real team player wouldn’t push back.”

• Therapy-flavored gaslighting: Misusing psychological terms. “You’re projecting.” “This is your attachment style.” Used as weapons, not insights.

• Group gaslighting: A clique or team agrees to a false narrative. Peer pressure makes you doubt yourself. Conformity can feel safer than truth.

What If You’re the One Doing It?

Hard truth: most of us have slipped into a gaslighting move under stress—denying an obvious mistake, minimizing someone’s feelings, or flipping the script to dodge blame. If you recognize yourself here:

• Own it without drama. “I minimized your feelings when I said you’re too sensitive. That was dismissive.”

• Repair behavior, not just words. Show change: reflective listening, less defensiveness, and real accountability.

• Get curious about the trigger. Is it shame? Fear of abandonment? Habit? Deal with the root, not just the episode.

• Invite feedback. “If I do that again, say ‘dismissive’ and I’ll pause.”

Personal growth isn’t about never messing up. It’s about a shorter time from mistake to repair.

Special Contexts and Tailored Strategies

Co-parenting with a gaslighter

• Use documented platforms. Keep messages child-focused. Avoid venting in writing.

• Don’t chase fairness in their mind. Chase stability for your child.

• Offer choices with guardrails: “Pickup at 5 or 5:30. If I don’t hear by noon, I’ll plan on 5:30.”

Adult children and parents

• You can set boundaries with elders. “I won’t discuss my personal life during Sunday calls.”

• Limit nostalgia traps. If “but family” becomes a cudgel, step back from guilt-based obligations.

Friend groups

• Have one-on-ones. Group dynamics can mask manipulation. Test friendships outside the group—does the tone change?

• If the group gathers around drama, you’ll be punished for choosing peace. Consider new circles.

Healthcare settings

• Prepare a concise symptom timeline and top questions before appointments.

• Bring an advocate or ask to record (with consent) complex instructions.

• If dismissed, ask directly: “What diagnoses are we ruling out?” or “When should I worry enough to return?”

Workplace

• Summaries save careers: “Per our discussion, priorities are X, deliverables due Y.”

• If credit theft is a pattern, include your manager early: “Looping you both in on the draft I’ve started; attaching slides I created.”

• Know when to escalate and when to exit. Document, then strategically plan your move.

Building a Life Where Gaslighting Doesn’t Stick

The opposite of gaslighting isn’t “never get fooled.” It’s living with enough self-trust and community that manipulation can’t take root.

• Keep a “wins file.” Screenshots of praise, completed projects, kind words. Read it when doubt swells.

• Practice naming your feelings out loud. “I feel uneasy right now and don’t know why.” That sentence stops many manipulations at the door.

• Create a personal communication policy. Examples: I don’t argue by text after 9 pm. I don’t discuss serious issues in public. I sleep on big decisions.

• Join communities that practice repair: support groups, book clubs, teams with healthy norms. Healthy dynamics recalibrate your nervous system.

• Curate your media diet. Follow voices that make you feel steady, not spun up. Be mindful of creators who dramatize relationships for views.

Myths to Drop Now

• “If I just find the right words, they’ll understand.” If understanding were the goal, you’d see progress by now.

• “I have to catch them red-handed.” You don’t need courtroom-level proof to choose a different life.

• “They only act this way when stressed.” Stress reveals patterns; it doesn’t create new ones.

• “It’s not abuse if there’s no yelling or hitting.” Psychological abuse is real, and its effects are long-lasting.

• “They’re a narcissist, so they can’t change at all.” Labels aren’t destiny. People can change if they want to, get help, and show sustained new behavior. Most won’t without strong incentives and boundaries.

A Short Self-Assessment

If you check yes on more than a few, pay attention.

• Do you feel more confused about basic facts after conversations with this person?

• Do you apologize to end conflicts, not because you believe you were wrong?

• Do you avoid sharing your experiences because they’re often dismissed?

• Have you stopped making decisions you used to handle easily?

• Does the relationship swing between intensity and coldness?

• Do you dread “small” requests because you know they’ll turn into big fights?

• Are close friends or family concerned about you?

If this stirred a gut “yes,” trust that signal.

What Real Progress Looks Like

Progress isn’t the gaslighter waking up enlightened. It’s quieter than that:

• You catch the tactic in real time: “Ah, projection.”

• You respond with two calm sentences and stop.

• You end the conversation when your boundary is crossed—without shame.

• You choose distance where closeness was previously automatic.

• You feel more at home in your body and your choices.

It’s normal to backslide. Leave space for being human. Every time you choose your reality over their spin, you strengthen a muscle you’ll keep for life.

A Quick Toolkit You Can Keep

• One sentence to ground yourself: “I’m allowed to trust what I see and feel.”

• One boundary: “If you belittle me, I end the conversation.”

• One person on speed dial: someone who reflects you back to yourself.

• One practice: daily reality journal, five minutes.

• One plan: If this escalates, I will call X and go to Y.

• One reminder: Love without respect erodes you. Choose the relationships that hold both.

If You Need Support Right Now

If your situation feels dangerous—threats, stalking, physical intimidation—reach out to local support services or a domestic violence hotline for safety planning. If immediate danger is present, contact emergency services. If you’re outside a crisis but drowning in confusion, a therapist or a support group can be a lifeline. You deserve help that believes you.

Gaslighting thrives in the fog. Your job isn’t to argue it into clarity—it’s to step out of the fog altogether. Your mind, your memory, and your gut are not enemies to conquer; they’re the tools that will lead you out. Trust them, little by little. And if you can’t trust them yet, borrow trust from people who see you clearly while you learn to see yourself again.