Why your baby cries so much

A crying baby or toddler is often heartbreaking, sometimes exasperating, especially when you don’t always know what the baby is crying about and how to calm him or her down. Of course, it can be due to pain or hunger. But crying can also have a more psychological meaning. During the first three months, a baby cries often to express a state of discomfort (such as hunger, cold, or other discomfort) by attracting attention and asking for body contact. Little by little, the baby comes to associate the parent with “someone who meets his or her needs,” which plays an important role in the bond-building process.

Understanding Crying in the First Year

Birth to 3 Months: The Basics of Crying

In the earliest months, crying is a baby’s primary means of communication. Newborns cry to signal their needs, like hunger, discomfort, or tiredness. These cries can vary in pitch and intensity, and as a parent, you’ll start to discern the subtle differences. For instance, a hunger cry might be rhythmic and persistent, whereas a sleepy cry could sound more whiny or fussy.

Tips for Calming Your Newborn:

• Swaddling: Wrapping your baby snugly in a blanket can mimic the comfort of the womb and help soothe them.
• Rhythmic Motions: Gentle rocking or swaying can be very calming. Consider using a baby swing or a rocking chair.
• White Noise: Sounds like a vacuum cleaner, fan, or white noise machine can be soothing as they mimic the sounds of the womb.

3 to 6 Months: Seeking Attention and Comfort

Crying is not only an expression of dissatisfaction but also a demand for attention and comfort. A baby who cries and is rewarded with attention discovers predictability. This habit of being comforted leads him or her to a sense of security.

Building Comforting Routines:

• Establish Bedtime Routines: Regular bedtime routines, such as a bath followed by a lullaby, can signal that it’s time to wind down.
• Responsive Feeding: Practice responsive feeding by observing hunger cues like lip-smacking or sucking on fists, even before crying begins.

The Role of Developmental Milestones

6 to 9 Months: Separation Anxiety Begins

The anxiety of separation is emerging. For example, the child will cry when the parent leaves his or her field of vision. This is a natural part of development as babies start to understand object permanence—that objects and people still exist even when out of sight.

Strategies to Ease Separation Anxiety:

• Peekaboo Games: These are great for teaching object permanence and can help ease anxiety.
• Short Practice Separations: Gradually increase the time spent apart in a safe environment to build your baby’s confidence.

9 Months: Stranger Anxiety and Night Wakings

About 9 months old, the fear of strangers becomes a reason to cry. Many babies this age also cry at night when they wake up and feel abandoned.

Handling Stranger Anxiety:

• Introduce Gradually: Allow your baby to become familiar with new people from a safe distance, gradually increasing interaction as they become comfortable.
• Reassuring Presence: Stay close and offer reassurance through touch and voice when meeting new people.

Dealing with Night Wakings:

• Consistent Sleep Environment: Keep the sleep environment consistent with familiar blankets or stuffed animals for comfort.
• Gentle Reassurance: Offer calming words or a gentle pat to help them settle without picking them up immediately, as this teaches self-soothing.

Growing Independence and Emotional Expression

9 to 12 Months: Intensified Separation Anxiety

From 9 to 12 months, the anxiety of separation grows stronger and is often accompanied by violent crying. The child has not yet learned that “leaving” is followed by “coming back.”

Calming Techniques:

• Transitional Objects: A favorite toy or blanket can provide comfort in your absence.
• Predictable Goodbyes: Develop a goodbye ritual, like a special wave or phrase, to help your baby understand that you will return.

1 to 2 Years: Testing Boundaries and Influencing Their World

Babies begin to try to influence their environment. They discover that crying is a way of attracting the attention of those around them and of coercion to respond to their requests.

Navigating Toddlerhood:

• Consistent Boundaries: Set clear and consistent boundaries to help your toddler understand limits.
• Reinforce Positive Behavior: Offer praise and attention for positive behavior to reduce the reliance on crying for attention.

Emotional Development and Imagination

2 to 3 Years: Seeking Reassurance and Expressing Frustration

The child cries mainly to be reassured and thus feel safe with the parents (or other people). Toddlers also often cry out of frustration, anger, sadness, or disappointment.

Supporting Emotional Development:

• Label Emotions: Help your child identify and label their emotions, which can reduce frustration-induced crying.
• Offer Choices: Giving choices empowers toddlers and reduces frustration. Instead of saying “No,” try saying, “Would you like to do this or that?”

3 Years and Beyond: The Role of Imagination

Babies start to develop their imagination, and in some ways, this can make them anxious. Children have “magical thoughts”: they believe that they can influence reality and that things will happen because they want to. If not, they may get angry or feel rejected. Crying is a way of imposing their desires, of asking for compassionate attention, but also of enforcing rules that reassure them.

Fostering Healthy Imagination:

• Encourage Play: Provide opportunities for imaginative play, which can help process emotions and fears.
• Acknowledge Fears: Listen and validate their feelings, even if the fears seem irrational to you.

Common Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

Overlooking Cues

A common mistake is not recognizing or responding to early cues before crying escalates. Babies give subtle signs like fussiness or turning their head away before full-blown crying.

Proactive Approaches:

• Observe Cues: Spend time learning your baby’s cues. Every baby is different, and the better you know them, the easier it will be to address their needs early.
• Keep a Diary: Track patterns to help predict when your baby might need feeding, changing, or a nap.

Inconsistency in Response

Inconsistent responses to crying can confuse a baby. For instance, sometimes picking them up immediately and other times letting them cry it out sends mixed signals.

Consistent Caregiving:

• Unified Approach: If you have a partner or other caregivers, ensure everyone is on the same page with how to respond to crying.
• Balance Comfort and Independence: While it’s important to comfort your baby, gradually allow them to develop self-soothing skills.

Additional Tips for Parents

Self-Care for Parents

Caring for a crying baby can be exhausting. It’s important to also take care of yourself, so you can be the best parent possible.

• Take Breaks: Don’t be afraid to ask for help from family or friends. A short break can recharge your energy.
• Practice Mindfulness: Techniques like deep breathing or meditation can help maintain your calm, even during stressful times.

Professional Help

If crying seems excessive or you’re worried about your baby’s well-being, consulting a pediatrician can provide peace of mind and guidance on any underlying issues.

When to Seek Help:

• Persistent Crying: If crying persists despite meeting all basic needs, it could signal a medical issue.
• Developmental Concerns: If your baby isn’t meeting developmental milestones, a professional can offer valuable insights.

By understanding the reasons behind your baby’s cries and adopting strategies to address them, you can foster a nurturing environment that supports both your baby’s emotional growth and your own well-being as a parent. Each stage of development brings new challenges and joys, and with patience and love, both you and your baby will navigate them together.